i was on the moon when you were born

a girl needs her best friends around for these things, but mine are all spread out around new england. boo.  so i really like this boy but he has no idea. to my knowledge anyways.  sometimes i catch myself doing things and i step back and am like , Erica you are seriously a crazy person. get help. like today i sat at my desk for six hours trying to compile the perfect list and order of songs for a mix cd i want to make you. actually thinking that one mis interpretation of a song or a melody could cause you to be uninterested or bored with me. like really erica?  get a grip. or just keep being a neurotic crazy person. or keep refering to yourself in third person in your live journal. excellent.

i can't let this run my life anymore.  something is changing.  i need to be able to fall asleep at night.

i think i have fucked up big time.  regretting every second of it. 

Cause this is what you've waited for
A chance to even up the score
And as these shadows fall on me now
I will somehow

Cause I'm picking up a message Lord
And I'm closer than I've ever been before

So if you have something to say
Say it to me now
Say it to me now
Say it to me now

strugglingggggggggg and it is not fun. don't know what to do with myself.

i am the only single girl left here at home. i was semi embarrassed to be at that party after i realized i was the only one not attached to a boy. this really fucking sucks. this whole thing is getting increasingly difficult to deal with

gah. today was really bad, realllllllllllly bad.

haha old boy out new boy in. i change my mind everyday. he's super cute . im like 12. kbye. 

i should trust mine more often, like all the time.  i have all these weird suspicions and gut feelings that i second guess because i think im just being paranoid or stupid.  BUT THEY ALWAYS END UP BEING SPOT FUCKING ON.  fuck it. stupid stupid stupid. fucking pissed. and angry. and semi- miserable. 

WORLD  SERIES MOTHER FUCKERS. THE CHAMPAGNE TASTES WONDERFUL AT HOME. SUCK IT CLEVELAND.  I WILL HAVE JACOBY ELLSBURY'S BABIES.  

brian said something the other night that made a lot of sense to me and i was just wondering others opinions. i was talking about some boy that had screwed me over and brian said  "love sucks" and being the hopeless romantic i am i challenged  the statement. but he explained his feelings by saying he's not opposed to it but its in its nature to be painful he asked me "how do you know your in love?"  i just paused, and he said " because your in pain, anyone can make you feel good, but only someone you truly love can make you hit rock bottom and feel your worst" i just thought it was an interesting way to look at it.

man i am ready for a boyfriend. i'm sick of stupid boys that don't stick around for the night.

haha last night i attended the university of new hampshires 5th anual film festival, when i walked in they gave me a raffle ticket, and with that golden ticket, i won this!

hahaha how badass is that. so excited.

i know we're not talking but i kind of hope you read this because I'm still really angry you havn't apologized. just say you are sorry for hurting my feelings. show some kind of emotion. show me something that lets me know you understand that this hurt me . alot.  it really threw me off how cold you were about everything, we're you saying things to try and hurt me so we could end the fight? i don't understand. i was so god damn angry, and the sad part is when you asked me to get lunch the next day i wanted nothing more then to see you. like wtf? i just have to keep telling myself that i respect myself enough to not just run to you when you show me the slightest bit of attention.  you need to know you hurt a friend, i felt like after we fought the guilt was somehow on me? and i don't feel i did anything wrong. your going to keep losing friends if you don't start to give a little. and yes, your drug use bothers me. i don't like that you don't remember the important things i say to you or that you laugh at me when i'm upset.  i'll end with the song that inspired this entry.

Stay with me
You're the one I need
You make the hardest things
Seem easy

Keep my heart
Somewhere drugs don't go
Where the sunshine slows
Always keep me close

If only you could see
The stranger next to me
You promise you promise that you're done
But i cant tell you from the drugs

Don't let go
Well dig a great big hole
Down an endless hole
We'll both go

You're so blind!
You can't save me this time
Hope comes from inside
And I feel so low tonight

eh hem.......FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK YOU BUDDY.  k thats it.

isn't it crazy when you think youve finally let something go, then they pop back into your life out of no where and say something so little but so perfect? and then its all you can think about...life  throws some crazy curve balls haha. and ummmmm then there are other people who you think have changed and you throw em a text wishing them a happy thanksgiving, and all you get in return is is an extremly cold and sarcastic " thanks your so sweet" filled with so much attitude and detest that it makes you wnt to punch them in the face? hardcore. im gonna update this more. i like writing in it. i dont know who reads this anymore but heres the eternal question, do you think people can really change deep down? or do they just fake it and eventually that old person comes out and hurts your feelinngs all over again. im becoming a sceptic.

anyways, ever feel like a song you hear just sums up a situation your in perfectly? like they knew exactly what you needed to hear and wrote it just for yyou, i know i'm a total lame-o but heres a song that i love love love love love right now, it sums up a certain aspect of  my life pretty darn well. 

New Found Glory - Taken back by you

This is my relapse
That I've succumb to
I went through things no one should have to
I could have never let this slip
I could have let this slip

And everything I do it reflects you
You went through things no one should have to
I could have never let this slip
I could have let this slip

And all those things you say out of nowhere
I'm taken back by you
And all those places that you've shown me
I'm taken back by you taken back by you

This is the future, can we save it?
We've done things no one thought we could do
This is the picture, can you paint it?
We could have let this slip

And nothing beats not knowing what's
Gonna happen next
For all the nights you've held me so long
I'm taken back by you, taken back by you

Yeah I owe, everything to you
Every darkness, I'll shine through
I have doubts, don't blame me
Don't let this slip, don't let this slip

i want to need someone. i want someone to need me. wheather is be a boyfriend or just a friend, or a brother or sister, anything, it scares me that right now i feel like i cold leave everything/everyone in my life  behind.....and be ok with it. numb might be a better way to describe it. im not unhappy with anyone, its jst that i feel like im just there. some people might like having me around from time to time, but no one needs me around. i don't like how independant i've become. yeah it's eaiser,less dramatic,  but  a hell of a lot more empty.  

 i wonder if he ever thinks about me, or misses having me around. i naturally assume he dosn't. but what if he does? it would be extra helpful if i could read peoples thoghts when i chose to. yeah . random. im just curious.

its 3:18 a.m can't sleep. not like thats anything new. maybe its because i had4 or 5 cups of cofee today and 8 excedrin. really not a good combination mixed with stress. whatevs, im a night person. i like being by myself with my thoughts and my music. when i come home at night and the house is quiet and dark is the best part of my day. i miss riding public transportation. i know that sounds akward but i found it to be the most comforting feeling. i loved jumping on wildcat transit and just sitting throught the 50 minute portsmouth route with my headphones and a hoodie. if you ever couldnt find me at school thats probably where i was.  i wouldnt even have a destination, i would just ride until i didn't feel like i was going to explode anymore. i miss that. im confused. i want to be with alex. he dosn't want to be with me. after the conversation we had i basicly came to the understanding that i just dont give him that " happy" feeling that his ex girlfriend gave him, and also that i am not worth giving up being single. he says hes been putting other peoples feelingsbefoe his his whole life and now he wants to be "selfish" and put his own feelings first. he wants to be single and experience being single. meaning he dosnt want to miss hooking up with random chicks i guess.  you've been single for a year and a half! how long do you neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed?  i still feel like your ashamed of me, like im some dirty secret you were hiding.  like somehow i'm a downgrade from joni so yoyu dont want to admit to other people that you went from her to me? you knew how much i liked you from day one. you still let me think something might develop even though you had no intentions of really letting it.  i dont know why you're afraid or why you're holdinng back.  all the time that im not with you i want to be with you. i want to let everyone know how amazing you are and good you make me feel about my self. one of my friends today told me  that he hoped i wouldn't  still want to be with you if you maded me wait around for an answer on weather o not you wanted to be with me because its not fair. thats all i keep hearing from people is how unfair this whole thing is to me. but the sad thing is is that i know its unfair and i dont even care. id settle for being your kinda something rather than your nothing. i hope you can realize that i'm not her and you shouldn't be worried.  i am completely me when im with you and i don't want to lose that. bgksjdhgkdjhfgkldfhglkjdfkgbdkfjghkdfhbkhvbxkjvbkjdzb;kn i should just stick to being a loner. it works better for me.

 i don't know what eveyone elses deams mean to them, but personally if i have an issue that im not dealing with, i'll have a reoccuring dream about it until i adress it. its my bodys way of dealing with the stress i guess.  lately i have had two, over and over again. they couldnt be more polar opposit if they tried. unfortunatly im too lame to dedal with either one right now, or maybe its just the wong time. my plan is to wait it out.